A Certain Psychotic Robot (Kannahamaru #5)

" ...And Dr Kannahamaru, 

we need to talk"
Rocky looked at the stranger in awe. Probably because of the cold efficiency by which she pinned the werewolves to the wall.
"Who are you?"
"I am the one who just saved your sorry asses"
Rocky just grinned idiotically. He didn't seem interested in defending us.
Kannahamaru on the other hand looked concerned but otherwise unfazed by her rather stern remark.
"We had it under control. Rocky here is mean with the acetylene torch. Kannahamaru is a master tactician. There wasn't really a scenario where the werewolves get better of us."
Said I
"You- whatever you want to tell me, you can say it infront of them"

"I'm a robot sent back in time to..."
"Save us from skynet ?"
"No make sure that my parents marry each other?
Asked Rocky. (2)
" You're no robot."
Said kannahamaru.
The werewolves' bodies were vaporizing in front of us
"Oh"
Said the robot-not
I thought she was bothered about the fuming bodies of the werewolves.
"I am a robot"
Said her
"No you're not."
Kannahamaru was not giving up. He scribbled something on to a piece of paper.
"Here, what does it read?"
Asked him showing her the paper which now had some sort of a pictogram. "
"Orange"
Said she
"You're a human".
" What you just answered was a Turing test (3)"
And what you just given was the average human response. See, what does it read?"
Kannahamaru asked us
"Orange"
Answered Rocky and I dutifully.
"See your response is in par with average human responce"
We smiled.
"But.."
She began to sob, "I am a robot."
She produced a small knife with slim blade from her belt and made an insicion on her left wrist.

She began to bleed.
"What are you doing?"
Shouted Kannahamaru
"Never mind, it's just skin graft. 
" See I'm a robot.I feel no pai….".
She couldn't complete the sentence obviously in pain.
Kannahamaru faced us and said
"She's delusional
Put her on Haldol
She will be fine by lunch"
Rocky had a cotton soaked in something. He showed it under her nose and after a bit of clawing on his face the girl toppled off on to Rocky's shoulder. He put her on to the bed.
"What the hell was that?"
Kannahamaru asked Rocky once the ordeal was over for good.
"Chloroform
I had some leftover from  the Cockroach Business." 
And for the last time, this is not a hospital and we don't store medicine grade tranquilsers. And you're no diagnostician."
"I watch a lot of medical dramas."
Said kannahamaru
"I watch The flash doesn't make me super fast."
I was actually watching these exchanges interestingly. If anyone could actually match Kannahamaru at least in verbal prowess  it was Rocky.
____________________

"Were am I?"
Our stranger was waking up. She seemed to be recollecting everything. Her eyes wandered about the room obviously looking for her weapons.
We had arranged those in the cupboard after a series of arguments. For once Kannahamaru was of the opinion that the arrowheads should be duct taped to avoid accidental cutting (paper cuts were Kannahamaru's third worst nightmare. After dogs and heights respectively). Rocky argued that it will render those invalid as weapons in case of a future attack.
Kannahamaru was hesitant

but agreed anyway. However he insisted on arranging the weapons in way that it satisfied his OCDs.
I had feeling that she'll dash out or try to reach her weapons. But thankfully none of that happened she just lay there and appeared too depressed to move.

"I've been sent back in time to protect you."
"That sounds very clichéd"
Said Kannahamaru
"I've programmed to…"
"Programmed? didn't you mean briefed to?"
This was the moment when Harry Christian entered the room.
"I'm going out, do you guys want any…"
That's when he noticed the robot in quaestio
" Get me an egg sandwich, with oregano, onions and  cheese, extra cheese. And make the bread whole wheat."
The answer however was definite.
"I didn't know you'd company"
He seemed unsure of himself.
Harry was Kannahamaru's old roommate and occasional partner in crime.
"This is Harry" Kannahamaru said to the robot
"Harry, meet the new robot sensation of the town… what was your name?"
"A1S34R7A"
Said her.
"C'mon!" They still name robots like in an 80's novel?
And since your robotalitiy been debunked by me, just give me your name ."
" That's my only name."
"We're just gonna call you Robo."
Said Rocky.
"Harry, Robo, Robo Harry"
Kannahamaru was already done with introductions.
Harry however seemed doubtful.
"You say you're a robot. Then how come you're hungry and want to eat?"
"I'm designed to digest and derive energy from biological sources. And I'm a stress-eater"
"But why not grass or ants or something?"
Harry wasn't giving up.
Robo gave him a sizing look and said.
"I said I'm a robot, not I don't have standards."
Kannahamaru was amused
"And by the way Harry, make that sandwich five. Let's see why that taste is future-proof."
Said him slipping Harry a ₹1000 bill.
____________________

Footnotes:

1: Title inspired from anime  A certain magical index

2. References to movie franchise Terminator and movie : Back to the future.

3.Turing test  :  a test for intelligence in a computer, requiring that a human being should be unable to distinguish the machine from another human being by using the replies to questions put to both.
- google

____________________

Truth or fiction

* Rocky doesn't watch The Flash. It's Kannahamaru and the narrator who does. And Kannahamaru have watched at least one medical drama.
*Fear towards Paper cuts are as per the narrator's knowledge not a fear exhibited by Kannahamaru.

* The specification of the sandwich is by Kannahamaru and is taken from a live, hyperactive Kannahamaru.

* The brief introduction system is taken from TV series friends and used (notoriously) by the narrator.

Robo

Illustrations © Vipin R.

Continue Reading...

All is fair (Kannahamaru #4)

Wait, let me guess?
You want to know what happened to us after the incidents of the last episode.  But you're going to wait a bit more to find the answer to that question. You may have other questions as well like,
Q: Why didn't Kannahamaru punch the werewolf if he's strong enough to punch a hole through a solid wall of concrete?
Now if you were paying attention you would also notice that I'm not telling events in an exact chronological order. (Kannahamaru does not respect time.) So we may yet to see as to why.
So no. You're not going to find out what happened to Kannahamaru, Rocky, myself and the beautiful stranger until the episode after this one.
Since we're clear with what this episode is not, let’s get on with what it is.

-----------------

Day 1

"I'm in love"
Kannahamaru was super-excited.
"I thought you believed Love's just chemicals" Rocky said. "That's a big jar of chemicals you're in K"
"Love may be just chemicals but that doesn't make it any less real and yes I have my weaknesses I'm an acrophobic and a cynophobic but not a  chemophobic, never a chemophobic."
Kannahamaru said.
"So first love."
I probed him
"No this is not the first. First one was when I was studying in the fourth standard and I paperballed my matter-of-fact love letter at Arvine. Which didn't quite reach there and some other girl picked it up who broke into tears."
"Kannahamaru, in 4th standard and already girls crying for him."
I said.
"I believe that was more like girls crying because of him."
Rocky had a goofy smile.
"Tomato, tomhato."
"I've already written a letter. They have placed this thing at university for the Valentine's day a box were we can deposit our letters and they get delivered to the addressees."
"Seems simple enough"
Rocky acknowledged.
"This almost feels like destiny, that I fall in love with her around the Valentine's Day and all"
"You don't believe in such things"
"I don't have to believe in such things for it to be true."

-----------------

Day :2 ( Valentine's day)

"Why is she wearing black?"
Kannahamaru wondered aloud.
"Why indeed?"
Rocky joined in
"Because they've like a color code for Valentine's Day.”
"Is it like the color code for resisters?"
"See, you get the idea"
I was rather relived to see Kannahamaru unscathed in the evening. He looked goofy yet delightful.
"I've given her the letter."
He declared.
"And?"
Rocky was intrigued.
"She knew it was me."
"How?"
"They must've figured it out from the style of prose and the rich vocabulary. Or was it because I gave her the other copy of the letter?"
Kannahamaru said.
"Wait, you had another copy?”
I asked.
“Just in case I lose the first one.”
"But what if you lose that one?"
"That's why I made these"
Said Kannahamaru pulling out a bundle of sheets from his pocket.
"But I've not told anyone ... except you guys  ... and a couple of ... more like all the girls in my class and all the people on the bus and anyone else who would listen."

-----------------

Day 09

"I've got new frames"
Said Kannahamaru pointing at his glasses.
"See, her favorite color is yellow so..."
"These frames are orange, dude."
Rocky objected.
“Yeah, hers is yellow, and mine is red."

-----------------

Day 13

"Do you think I should go and talk to her about homeopathy?"
Asked Kannahamaru
"Because asking her out is too mainstream?"
Rocky wondered aloud.
"Don't rush it dude, I don't think she's ready for such level of commitment. Better you start with how Santa isn't real and how Christians hijacked winter solstice before getting that intimate."
Answered me.

-----------------

Day 15

“She has a boyfriend.”
Rocky announced.
"And what? You want one too?"
Asked Kannahamaru calmly.
"Such a possibility was taken into account and its possible repercussions were analysed carefully and such analyses were meta-analyesd and information thus obtained was rechecked for errors and graph was plotted. From the graphical solution, the probability of her having no boyfriend was near zero. In other words I knew this was coming".
Added him .
"This is an extension of the general rule that all the beautiful girls are already taken. In fact I've already theorized character profiles for the most probable cases based on the data."
He handed Rocky a folder.
"Bob. Age 23, engineer"
"Nath 22, student"
Rocky began flipping through pages.
He stopped at the one which had 'caution' written over it.
"That is the most probable case."
Kannahamaru said
Rocky took the paper in his hands. I moved to position where I could peek into the paper.
"So this guy's a communist and a believer?
Don't you think that's an odd combo?"
I looked at Rocky.
"Not a bad combination as an intellectual and being in love."
He paused a bit and continued "… not as odd as putting your intellectual resources into stalking either"
"I am not stalking…"
Kannahamaru protested.
"…I am researching"

-----------------

Day 17
"I'm on my productive peak"
Said Kannahamaru
"I so hate it when I accidentally publish a research article"
"Last night I was scribbling something and before I know I was mailing it to Nature."
"That can't be right, the peer review alone would take.…"
Began Rocky.
"Exceptions can be made my friend"
"You mean you manipulated them somehow?"
“Like I told you, I am a manipulative bastard. But why manipulate people when you can manipulate time?"

-----------------

Footnotes:
-----------------

1.  Title from the phrase "All is fair in love and war"  first used in
John Lyly's novel "Euphues: The Anatomy of Wit" published in 1579.

Continue Reading...

Tachyons and a Teacup ( kannahamaru special guest episode)

"Where are we?" I asked.
"High orbit, around Neptune" the weird guy who looked like a punk answered.
"Why are we here?" asked I, seeing that Rocky and Kannahamaru were both passed out on the floor. "Or more importantly, how are we here?"
"I brought you here."
"Why would you bring us into a high orbit around Neptune?" said Kannahamaru, waking up. "A low orbit would have been better."
“Is this guy for real?” looked back the guy who brought us here. “You’re supposed to be smart, what does it matter if the orbit is low? You have no idea why we’re here.”
“Time travel.” smiled Kannahamaru.
“And I know who you are. So, if you want to take my teacup, I don’t have it with me now”
“We didn’t have another satellite at this point in time,” said the new guy. “And I’m sorry sir. I had no idea you had figured it out.”
“When you began talking, I thought I’d let my friend do the talking,” said Kannahamaru. “People open up to the oblivious more freely. I wasn’t knocked out. I saw how your tech worked. It gave me the final pieces. This is Neptune’s orbit in the future, right? Twenty years?”
“How…”
“Tachyon velocity vectors, it’s gonna make your pathetic head hurt.”
“I took the cup.”
“You did? And are you sure he needs it? I love my cup. I don’t even drink tea in it.”
“He needs it.”
I had no idea what these people were talking about. It was like they had some other worldly variety of… something. All this would add up to stuff in the future, and past. But even the guy from the future had no idea what would happen. It’s complicated.
“Why is Rocky here?”
“There are things you don’t know either.”
“Nobody knows things from the future.”
“He’s here to make the parachute.”
“What parachute?”
“This parachute.” Said Rocky. He had a contraption with a lot of metal and scraping and stuff, it looked like a gas balloon with a bucket.
“How did you make the parachute for the payload so fast?” asked the future guy.
“Experience.” Rocky nonchalantly replied.
“But, you study biology.” Kannahamaru was slightly annoyed.
“You are not the only idiot who’s fallen in love in the history of stupidity, moron.” Said Rocky. Still nonchalant.
“You can ask him for that story later.” Said the future guy.
“This will probably be stuck in the high atmosphere.” Said Kannahamaru.
“Yes, that’s the plan.”
“I knew that.”
Kannahamaru hugged his cup, in the bucket of the parachute, and shed a tear. Then the three of them dropped the thing.
As the parachute descended, the guy snapped his fingers. After a short flash of lights, the three of us were on our roof. .
“Why was I there?” I asked.
“To narrate the story, we both have other stuff to do.” Said Kannahamaru. “I have to go and solve the equation. Or write it down in terms others can understand.”
Kannahamaru climbed down the stairs when I looked at Rocky.
“That parachute…”
“Another day.”

Continue Reading...